B is for....

B.U.I. I'm Blogging Under the Influence tonight. It has been a rough afternoon in the world of Tonya. Chris called this afternoon...out of the blue...with a long list of reasons we should have our dog put to sleep. Now, Casey is 14 years old as of Thanksgiving. No spring chicken by any means. Casey was a wedding present. 14 years ago...I was so very excited about marrying Chris Roberts. So very excited. But marrying Chris meant moving far away from all of my friends and family to totally foreign territory. Which I gladly did. But even though it was an exciting time...it was a sad time too, for me. And when we went to Columbus, GA over New Year's for a post-wedding reception with all of his parent's friends...Chris brought home this tiny, wriggling, fluffy, adorable yellow puppy. And that' when Casey took over our lives and stole our hearts. She was our first baby, so to speak. Been around so much longer than any of our kids. And now, suddenly...we are faced with this decision. And it is not a big obvious one. There are some signs...yes. But she is still very much with us...and the question of whether or not she is suffering...well, that one is wide open for debate. And honestly...at this moment in time...suffering does not seem to be a real issue for her. It's a lot to swallow and take in. I don't really even like thinking about it and I have been on the verge of tears most of the night now. Part of me knows it is time (or at least suspects that it is) to let her go. But part of me looks at her and says she is just fine. She's good. Not perfect...or young and spry by any means...but fine, just the same. I am struggling with this decision tonight. I have already reemed my husband for his total lack of insensitivity....ONE, by calling me on the phone about it instead of having a rational conversation with me. And TWO...for choosing just days before our anniversary to do this. Ugggh. My heart is just breaking tonight thinking of sending our Casey off. If she was obviously struggling...and I mean obviously...I would not hesitate. But she is not obviously struggling. She IS old and she IS arthritic...that is not new. But I can't get there tonight. That's pretty pathetic, I know. I consider myself to be rather gifted as far as death and dying go. I'm pretty darned good at it to tell you the truth. If you had any idea how many times I have witnessed a tiny, sweet baby being pulled off of life support...or watched them fight for and draw their last breaths...And never one tear. Not one. Yet here I have this old, decrepid, smelly dog...and I can't even imagine doing that...being there when she goes. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? HOW MESSED UP IS THAT???? That I would be more comfortable and more okay with watching a CHILD draw their last breath than some old stupid dog? I can't do it. I tell you...I can't do it. It breaks my heart into a million pieces and then some. And I keep seeing her look at me tonight. It's as if she knows that her very fate rests solely in my hands. And when she turns those big brown eyes to me that way...well...I just come undone. Which is where I am tonight. Totally undone. And totally sad at the thought of having to end this chapter in our lives. To say goodbye to this friend of ours. To this one that has been with me the longest.