Greetings from Heaven

My family and I are on our annual 10 day vacation camping trip. I am blogging this entry from Zion National Park and can I just tell you...THIS is my happy place! I know of no other place on earth so beautiful and breathtaking as this. My heart and soul are just totally at peace here. Not to mention my camera is like WAY happy! It is total eye candy here with the magnificent jagged rocks rising up out of the canyon and towering above in sharp contrast to the bluest sky you have ever seen. We spent our first two nights camping on the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. And I do mean ON THE RIM! Our campsite literally was the EDGE of the canyon. Totally cool...but way freaky for a mom who is wickedly scared of heights! All three kids quickly got my very best and scariest mom lecture about how they were NEVER to go even remotely close to the edge because they might fall right over and die and then I would cry forever and a day. They have all picked up on my total neuroticness (is that even a word?) and seem to be tolerating it fairly well. While the Grand Canyon was really quite beautiful...I didn't love it. Mostly because, in order to see it you have to pretty much walk right up to the edge and look down! Not my thing! I MUCH prefer to be sitting in the BOTTOM of the canyon looking UP!!!! And so that's where I am tonight. In my total happy place. SAFE at the bottom, looking UP at all of God's awesome handiwork. Getting slightly high as one of our camper neighbors is smoking pot out by the campfire this evening. Perhaps it's for medicinal purposes...however, I suspect not. Anyway. There are T-Bone steaks on the grill, baked potatoes in the microwave and the smell of marijuana in the air. Wish you could be here. It's a little slice of Heaven for sure! Here is a picture of our little abode on our campsite here in Zion. I can't for the life of me remember the name of the huge rock structure rising up there right behind our camper. All I know is that it is VERY beautiful and a wonderful thing to behold as the sun goes down! More to come soon!

Raw, Rubbing and Sneezing!

Just when I thought that I had some sense of relief the wind picks up and my allergies just explode all over again! This has without a doubt, been the roughest month for me ever in my three years here in the desert! I have never really had a serious problem with allergies. A little bit...but NOTHING like this year. And usually it is my throat that suffers. In the past my allergies have caused such a vicious post nasal drip that my throat will get to the point of screaming and I am miserable for a week or so...and then it fades away. This year, however...my throat has NOT really hurt. For just a few days in March...but pretty mild compared to what I am used to. What HAS hurt and been awful are my EYES! They have hurt and ached and run and itched. They have stayed red and swollen and puffy and everywhere I go people ask me if I have been crying. I have not been of course. But it LOOKS like I've been boo hooing for days on end. My eyes are just raw around the edges from rubbing and I have been through an endless line of eye drops. It had seemed to get a wee bit better. But then Wednesday I spent Tonya's Day out at the Desert museum and it was very windy. When we left there I sneezed and sneezed and that afternoon my eyes started the itching and burning and running again. Then on Thursday I found myself wide awake again by 5:30 a.m. and was out the door with Oscar for a nice long walk by 5:45. Again...windy. Again...sneezing. I was actually sneezing so hard and so much while I was walking that I was pretty sure I was going to end up peeing all over myself before I could get back home! But I did make it home all dry and the second I got out of the wind, my eyes started up again with the itching and burning. More eyedrops. More swollen redness. Then today I was out on the tennis courts at 6 a.m. I knew as soon as my feet hit the floor that my eyes were still suffering from yesterday. They felt as though someone had sanded down the area around my eyes with very coarse sandpaper, leaving them raw. And then had come behind with some elmer's glue to put all around them for that nice sticky touch! Halfway through my tennis lesson they were reaching critical mass. I could hardly see as they were pouring water. And then that was making the raw skin around my eyes just burn like fire. Then more rubbing, then more burning, then more watering...it was awful. On top of that the sinus headache I have been entertaining for two days was ramping right on up to another critical level. So I came back home just miserable and half blind today! AFter MANY eyedrops and a shower and cold compresses I am almost feeling okay. I have to go to dinner tonight with Chris...so I am hoping that by 5:00 the swelling will get down enough so that I look halfway normal AND can actually wear a little eye makeup! I hate to have to go to dinner and meet new people and have Chris have to introduce his wife as the one who looks like the Crypt Keeper! Not fun! So wish me luck! Pray for this crazy wind to die down and this allergy stuff to just SETTLE down! I am so hoping our break for vacation will be a nice break for my raw eyes and that by the time we get back it will be a bit more normal!

Lizard Love

So I was taken by this guy at the Desert Museum yesterday. He was a sassy little thing with tons of personality. And his feet were really cool too. I have no idea why...but I just love this lizard dude!

TONYA'S DAY!

Today was officially Tonya's Day! Officially because I actually put it on my calendar. In HUGE letters...Tonya's Day! Now...you might ask "What exactly IS Tonya's Day?" Well that was a surprise even to me! I kicked around several ideas. All I knew was that I had the entire day totally unscheduled and all for ME! No housecleaning...no menial everyday tasks. Something special for me. And so this morning I began Tonyas Day by being at Target promptly at 8:00 a.m. and successfully purchased the Wii Fit! Hooray! I was SO excited to get that. NOt QUITE so excited when it told me my Wii Fit age is 54 and that I am borderline fat...but hey...goals are a good thing I suppose! Then I had to make a VERY quick stop at UMC for a NILMDTS session. Then Jackie and I headed out to the Desert Museum. This is one of my very favorite places to hang out with my camera. Every time I go there I feel rushed and NEVER feel like I have nearly enough time! My camera is SO so so so happy there. We had a blast seeing all the sights of the desert and trying our best to capture what we could! Then we were starving because by the time we pulled ourselves away it was already 1:30. We hightailed it to In and Out Burger and it was awesome! YUMMY!!!!! Then from there we had to hurry hurry home in order to pick up the kids from school. When I got home my jewelry samples had arrived and I was VERY excited about that! The pieces were SO much fun and so beautiful! I love this new company and they are SO affordable too! So that was great news! Ben and Clara's friends came home from school with them and played for a bit and then Chris came home and we all played with the wii. I discovered that I don't ski any better on the wii than i do on the real thing! It's just not meant to be! We had a lovely dinner and then watched LOST. Now it's bedtime and I am rather pooped tonight! But I wanted to share just a few images from today! A handful of my favorites!

Early Mornings!

I cannot, for the life of me, seem to be able to sleep until 6 a.m. I have for the longest time been a 6:30, 6:45 gal. However...here lately...I am restless as can be and up by 5:45. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?!!! I suppose it's the whole getting lighter earlier thing maybe. That's all fine and good. Only the last two days I have really found myself in desperate need of a good few moments of silence in the afternoons...you know...the kind where you are silent with your eyes closed...and in the horizontal position! NOT convenient or usually possible with the schedule I keep! Luckily enough summer is only another couple of days away and I can nap in the days if needed to keep up with this early bird alarm clock that I cannot seem to keep from going off! I guess there's lots on my mind too. Making sure I have all my kids where I need them and when and who is going home with who or coming home with me, and all of these extra recitals and performances and open houses...not to mention other mundane tasks like keeping in my head a running grocery list, etc! PLUS, there's the small fact that we leave in 4 days for our BIG camping trip of the year and I haven't given even the first thought to packing anything for it! Chris and I are both in need of some SERIOUS R&R these days. Chris keeps saying over and over he can't wait to get away for a good stretch. Lots of mental overhead at work these days. I think our kids are ready for a nice getaway as well. The school year has been pretty good and exciting here for the most part. Max has had a definite rough run here at the end with all of the bully stuff going on and the whole attempted stabbing incident, so I KNOW he will be ready for a break and getaway. Anyway...it is all of 6:11 a.m. now. Coffee is made! Blog is done! And the hospital just called with a Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep request that I will have to try to squeeze in here this busy morning! And she' OFF!

Sweet Visits from the Past

I just got a phone call from Clara's pre school teacher from last year at St. Andrew's. She called to tell me that she had been at the recital Saturday night and saw our Clara dance and enjoyed seeing her up there so much that she just had to track down our phone number and tell us! She said that as soon as she saw her she KNEW it had to be our Clara as she is such a striking looking little girl (I think she means she's so pale that she practically glows in the dark!) and that she just thoroughly enjoyed seeing her up on that stage! She asked all about her and how her school year has gone. That was just the sweetest thing ever. To think enough of her a full year later to call and say how much she had enjoyed seeing her up on that stage! I have to say that I feel blessed, yet again, to have had such wonderful people in the lives of my children!

Recital Pix

Saturday night was Clara's very first ever ballet recital! It was sweeter than there are words to express. Clara danced her little heart out and LOVED being the center of attention. She twirled and arabesqued around the stage. She was just smiling from ear to ear. I think it is a night that none in our family will ever forget. I would say it was just magical seeing my baby girl up there doing her thing!

Sad News

When we got home from Clara's ballet recital tonight there was a message from Soleil's family. Little Soleil decided her fight was over and it was time to leave them today. She lived for exactly one week and one day. Her family was so blessed to have had a week with her in their arms. It was more than they had expected. I had so hoped that the journey with her would be longer...that they would have had more time to create more memories, to take more pictures, to snuggle her more and to just relish her time here on earth. I know that her family is missing her so tonight and is going through such a sad time without her. I feel so blessed to have been a part of that journey with that little angel. To have been able to capture her while still in the womb and then again in her first hour of life. Her mommy and daddy are amazingly sweet people. And I know that that baby girl changed their lives forever. As she did mine. So pray for Soleil's family tonight as they say goodbye and let go of this little princess. This precious baby girl who came in like a whirlwind and forever altered their hearts for the better. Goodbye sweet Soleil.

Praises

Baby girl delivered VERY quickly Friday afternoon. Minutes after they called me actually. She was in a hurry! And she was born alive and alert and fiesty. Her vitals were quite strong. So strong in fact that they were talking about taking her home Saturday or Sunday. She has several of the birth defects that go hand in hand with trisomy 13. She has a cleft palette and a spot on her scalp where her skull did not fully close. Nothing exposed...just no hair or anything growing there. She has extra fingers and extra toes. But despite all of that she was just beautiful. And a big baby too! 6 lbs, 1 ounce. She was wide awake and staring in to everyone's eyes who held her. And when she was in her mother's arms it was like watching this incredible dance. She would settle right down and just gaze at her mother like she had known her forever and yet wanted to study her every detail. And watching her mom and dad watch her... it was magical. They smiled over her and stroked her tiny, chubby cheeks. They marvelled over her generous amount of dark hair. They thrilled as she grasped onto their fingers with her tiny hands and mom kissed her tiny toes. And she made the sweetest little baby noises and cried when she was cold and nodded off to sleep when she was warm and snuggled. God is so good. That not only did they get to meet her and look into those dark eyes of hers for a bit, they actually were talking about having her at home for a time with them. That family has been on my mind so much on this day, Mother's Day. What a wonderful Mother's Day gift...to have that sweet, sweet time with your baby girl.

The other family that I worked with this past week was also on my mind. The one who lost their baby in that horrible car accident. Oh, my heart has broken for her over and over again today. Today of all days must have been so very difficult for her. I woke up amidst all manner of celebration this morning. The kids were so excited about their cards and gifts they had for me. Their chatter filled the house and I could not help but stop and count my blessings right then. That other young mom woke up to a quiet house. A silence that penetrates to the soul. When there should have been the sound of crying and cooing and the feeling of a warm bundle in your arms and at your breast. But all of that is lost to her now. Those feelings and dreams laid to rest with her sweet baby boy.

It's been an interesting journey for me today, reflecting on these moms and how one was left with a broken heart and empty arms, and the other with the gift of time with a child they know will most likely not be with them for long. I had to look at my own three children so differently today. And just lift up sincerest thanks and praises. Thank you Lord for bestowing upon me this title of Mother. Thank you for entrusting three precious little souls to my care. Thank you Lord for these other mothers who crossed paths with mine this week and who opened my eyes to just how fortunate and blessed I truly am. Comfort those mothers Lord. And give them strength for the days ahead and healing for hearts broken to pieces. May they know your presence and peace as they walk through this valley. Amen.

Early Arrival

I just got a call that one of the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep babies is arriving ahead of schedule. Baby Soleil was scheduled to be induced next Tuesday, but mom just called and said they are making her go to the hospital now. So...sometime later today that sweet family will get to meet their baby girl for the first time. PRAY for this family. That they would be given a little time with their daughter before she passes on. She has trisomy 13 and they have no idea at this point how involved her anomalies will be. They have been preparing for the worst. So just pray that they will get to share at least a little time with her. That they can look into her little eyes and feel her tiny grasp on their fingers. They also have two little boys who will need a lot of prayer as they will have a difficult time understanding why their baby sister will not be coming home with them. Lord, gather this couple up in your comfort and love. Give them strength and courage in this situation and walk them through this as only You can. Bless this family through this experience Lord and draw them ever closer to you. Amen

A Week In Review

WOW! This week has flown by for us! Lots and lots going on around here. Where to start?

First of all...allergies have been TERRIBLE this week! UGGGH! My eyes have been so itchy and irritated and red and swollen. NOT a pretty picture. People keep looking at me with alarm and asking if I've been crying. It has looked that bad many a day. I'm completely eye drop dependent right now and have been wearing my glasses a LOT. That and just staying inside! I have found that to be the greatest aid. Just hibernating and not setting foot outside unless I have to.

Monday I had a bazillion errands to run. I had to get a bunch of copies of an order form for dance studio pics and a few other supplies to make that run smoothly. Then I had a return a Target. Then I did my step class at the gym. It was majorly hard for some reason. Maybe just the whole Monday thing. When Karen asked if we were ready for our peak track I immediately thought to myself "you mean that wasn't it?". Anyway, I survived. Then I had to drop off Clara's VBS registration at St. Andrews. She would KILL me if I missed getting that in and they got full. Then I had to meet Angelica at the tennis court and we hit balls for an hour, at which point I was SO beyond exhausted and ready to drop! Then before I could blink it was time to take Clara to ballet in full costume no less, so they could be checked for outfits. Then as soon as that was over I grabbed my little tutu clad ballerina and dashed off to Coronado to pick up Max at his track meet...only the meet wasn't AT Coronado. It was back over at Wilson, from where I had just practically come from. I finally tracked down my oldest and flew home, picked up Ben and Oscar and deposited all three kids and dog at Chris's moms house as I had a dinner meeting to attend with Chris at Wildflower. When that was over we picked up three exhausted kids, tucked them all into bed and collapsed ourselves! WHEW! That was Monday.

On Tuesday I spent the entire day getting ready to do the pictures for Clara's ballet studio. Lots of final minute preparations. Lists upon lists running through my head. So afraid I was going to forget something or screw something up. On top of taking the pictures it was also Clara's picture day with her group. Now, of course,I had already done her pictures here at home the way I wanted them. But I still wanted her there for her group picture. So in addition to all the craziness with getting this pictures of the masses stuff down, I had my own bouncing ballerina to tend to! That said, pictures went great and I crawled back in the door around 8 p.m. I was very thrilled with the pictures. They look pretty good...at least on the computer!

Wednesday was NOT fun. I had all pictures ready to upload and sat down first thing to get started on it. I had a sense of panic over it all come over me first thing. Such a strong sense that I bailed out of our final bible study get together, thanking God every second that it wasn't at MY house this time. I did not even get dressed. I drove the kids to school in my whale pajamas and uncombed bed head and came back and got to work in just that state of fashion. I stayed in said whale pajamas until 2:20 that afternoon, at which point I forced myself into the shower and some clean clothes. Mostly because I had to get back into the car and go pick up the kids. Time flies when you are completely frustrated beyond belief!!!! I was using an ordering system for the first time that's made for processing groups of pics like dance and sports. And I will just say here...that it was not an easy task. I REPEATEDLY called the customer support line. I don't even know how many times. That in and of itself was VERY frustrating because I kept getting a recording that said "Due to the high volume of calls, your wait time could exceed 10 minutes." And I'm like... are you kidding?! And NO. They weren't kidding. It was a LOT of waiting on that day. And I would finally get through and get my question answered...only to have another one within like, oh, thirty seconds. Talk about a test of my patience. I knew I was in trouble when the customer support gal told me that the system wasn't very user friendly! And I was like, NO CRAP! Anyway. AFter MANY hours of frustration and aggravation I managed to get the order uploaded. Now l am just hoping that I actually did that right! We will see soon enough!

Thursday was a quiet day for me. I had a nice 6 mile run on the treadmill. I had planned to go 8, but my left knee thought that was not a great idea, so six was the stop point for us. Then I got a slideshow built, got another order processed and cleaned my bathroom! I also had a return at Ross, so I tackled that and then it was time to pick up Jackie and head back to the ballet studio for round two! And it went great. Effortless. NO problems at all! The biggest success of that whole thing was that I had the night's pictures all edited, and processed and transmitted by 10:45 p.m.! Hallelujah! Talk about a relief!

Now it is Friday and I am about to drop off kiddos, then head straight to the tennis court for my Friday morning tennis lesson with George! Then I have to volunteer in Clara's class today. NO idea what that will hold for me. Sometimes it's mundane things like paper cutting and pencil sharpening. But sometimes it involves lots of green paint or paper mache' and gallons of sticky starch! Who knows! Guess I will find out soon enough!

That's our week...in a nutshell!

Costume Check

Yesterday was full costume check day at ballet practice. All of the girls were so precious in their little pink tutus! They looked like little china dolls dancing and twirling around out there. It was fantastic! This is Clara dancing to Edelweiss, one of her three pieces for the recital. So cute these girls are. Clara is the one on the very end, front row on the right.

My Little Ballerina Girl

I took this this weekend. Recital is just around the corner now! They look so sweet in their little tutus and their dance is beyond precious! I can't wait to see my baby girl on the stage! They are dancing to Edelweiss and when I watch them it brings tears to my eyes. My Clara is such a ballerina girl anyway. She is forever dancing and twirling. Such a treat to watch her spinning and twirling, lost in her own little ballerina world! Only another couple of weeks until showtime!

Blessings

I met my baby from yesterday again today. This time in his mommy and daddy's arms. I have to say that that young couple was the most amazing couple I have ever met. The strength they showed. And the love for that baby. I thought of all the things that I thought that I would be feeling if I were them. Anger and hostility and frustration over my situation. A thirst for revenge. But what I saw in this young mother was simple strength. And peace. And gratefulness for the kindness of people who just want to help. This poor mom had two broken legs...casted all the way up to her hips. And her right arm was also broken and casted all the way up to the shoulder. And she was bruised and sore every where else. Yet she cradled that baby so gently and spoke to him and told him how very much she loved him and told him how beautiful he was and as she cried over him she told him how she never ever wanted to have to let him go. And that she just wanted him to know that she wished this never had happened. She kissed his little fingers and marveled over how much hair he had. She caressed his little face and adjusted his little blanket. She held him close and treasured her moments there with her son, knowing it was the last time she would ever hold him or see him or touch him. Dad just smiled over him and brushed his little cheek. He worried over his brave wife and the two of them just got lost in the beauty of this baby boy that they would never get to raise. I just stood there and took it all in. Capturing those moments for them as best I could. I cried today when I walked out of there. I don't ever do that. Never have really shed a tear yet through all of these countless babies. But as I talked with this sweet couple my heart just broke and the more I knew of them and their story the more the tears built up just crying for release. I found out today that this couple had just left their OB for a checkup when the accident occurred. Mom told me they had heard his little heartbeat and everything was just perfect. They were on their way to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for antibiotics because she had tested positive for group B strep. And they had already stopped her labor once a few weeks prior...and they were preparing for a possible early delivery. But everything was so good and baby's heartbeat had been so strong and so clear. Then her voice got quiet and she said she wished she had just delivered him then...because at least they might still have him. But then she gathered herself up and told me that that was just "what could have been" thinking and that she tried to stay away from that right now. And I marveled at her strength and my heart broke into a million pieces for her. I then asked her if she had had a c-section. One of the nurses I work with at another hospital assured me that she would have...that there was no way she would have labored and done a vaginal delivery with two broken legs and all the injuries that she had. That that would have been unbelievably barbaric. And then that mom told me that no...she had delivered him. Naturally at that. That woman...with two severely broken legs and a broken arm and even more....a heart broken beyond belief, labored into the wee hours of the morning and brought forth that little boy with no pain medication for the birth pains. Even knowing he was already gone, she went through with it and toughed it out and was wide awake and alert so that she could hold that baby to her breast in those first moments he was in this world. I was in awe of this woman and her strength today. It kind of puts my life into a whole new perspective. The things that I stress over and worry about...they seem so insignificant after meeting this family. The problems that I might or might not face tomorrow are NOTHING compared to the road ahead for these two parents. The blessings were all mine today as I was in the presence of this amazing couple. Oh Lord, Hold them so close to you. Cover them with your wings and comfort them as they walk this road. May they know your love and peace and presence in these days to come. And may you grant them a supernatural strength to face the challenges that lie ahead. Amen

Beautiful

Today I photographed a baby for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. He was SO beautiful. Breathtaking almost. I was so nervous because I had to go to the funeral home to do this and it has been over a week already. This little baby was killed in utero at 35 weeks when his parents were involved in a car accident. Another vehicle was trying to evade an officer in a traffic stop and hit them head on at high speed. It was a terrible accident. So much was going through my head. I had no idea what to expect. And then I walked into that room and there was that precious little angel all bundled up in a sweet blue blanket. He wore little denim overalls and a baby blue knitted cap with a pom pom on top. He was just a precious little sight. And I was just struck again by how tragic this whole situation was and by just how horrific this must be for his parents. To know that their precious little one, just weeks away from meeting him for the first time, was snatched right out of their lives in one single tragic moment. The consequence of the actions of a criminal. Unknown to them...yet now forever locked into their memories because of the loss they suffered at his hands. I was told that the mom has two broken femurs from the accident, several broken ribs and extensive internal bruising. And while the pain must be so intense, I am certain that her pain in her legs and ribs and body is NOTHING compared to the pain in her heart. As I looked at that precious little boy today I thought how sad it was that those parents never heard him cry or take even his first breath. They never saw him smile or heard him coo. That mom will never hear his gurgly baby sounds or know what it feels like to have him suckle at her breast. Her arms must ache so with the emptiness knowing that they cannot be filled now with her first child, her son. Oh, this mom is in all of my thoughts and prayers tonight. Her road to recovery is so long ahead of her. She will have to relearn to walk again. Most likely, she will never be the same again. That one fateful moment changed her life in more ways than we can ever comprehend. Tomorrow I will go across town and meet mom at her bedside while she holds her son once more...for the last time. She will hold him in her arms and try to memorize what the weight of him in her arms feels like. She will look at his precious face and try to memorize every single detail of it. She will kiss his little toes, because that is what I am told she had been dreaming of doing. And she will say her last goodbyes. And I have the honor of being there. The honor of capturing those last fleeting moments of togetherness before they have to surrender his little body. Pray for this family. For strength and healing. And pray for me too. That I can do this right. That I can capture the memories that they are so desperate to preserve.