So Hard to Say Goodbye

Today, we had to make the decision to let our beloved dog, Casey, go. She was fourteen years old and her health was failing rapidly before our eyes. This past week she had seemingly gone totally blind, mostly deaf, was getting up on her feet less and less and was not sleeping through the night. Last night she got stuck in our bathroom closet. I was in there putting some laundry away and she came in...but when she went to leave, she could not seem to find the doorway and was trapped and confused for some time. It was all I could do to guide her out of there. I realized then that she really was totally blind. Then, when I let her out to go potty for the night I watched in horror as she walked right into the cactus. And I knew then that she was no longer safe. I wrestled with the decision all night long and this morning, on the way into Chris' surgery we discussed her situation and we both felt it would be in her best interest to let her go before she hurt herself badly. It was a painful decision to be sure. Then I had the rest of the day to just agonize over it while Chris was in the operating room. By the time I got him back home from the procedure I knew that my time with Casey was short. I spent it just sitting in the floor with her. Petting her and just being with her. She hardly lifted her head. I think she was ready. I gave her some yummy Black Forest ham as a treat, and then Chris and his mom took her to the vet and that was it. I have cried at least a million tears since two o'clock this afternoon. Ended up with a fierce migraine. Not fun! So far...2008 has SUCKED for this family. First the hike with the broken hand. Then the surgery. Now the dog. And it's only the first seven days. Good grief! I know that Casey is resting well tonight. That she is not thirsty, or hungry or aching or hurting in any way. More importantly, I know that she is safe. And that she went in a calm and loving and peaceful way. That we loved her enough to not endanger her and that we were selfless enough to say goodbye before she was in desperate pain or suffering. It's pretty much been one of the worst days of my life. So far, the worst year...no doubt about that. Everyone keeps telling me that the worst is behind us and it can only get better from here. I sure hope they are right. That was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life. I hate knowing that I had a hand in her death. I am still really, really grappling with that tonight. My mind wanders in a thousand directions on that one. I keep seeing her sweet little face and sad little eyes and I just can't believe she is not with us tonight...and it's my fault. I know deep down it's for the best. But my heart and my head and my deep down can't seem to get on the same page tonight. Chris keeps telling me it was the right thing to do. That she would never have gotten any better. Only worse. And I know that. I really do. It's still hard to sit here tonight knowing she's gone. The vet said she had all the symptoms that her body was shutting down. Chris did not stay all the way until the end. That is my one regret about not going with her. I would have seen it through to the end. To the last moment and the last breath. But he didn't. He left her there, in the care of strangers. Casey always hated the vet. I hate myself more than a little bit tonight that I wasn't there for her. That noone that loved her was there for her at the very end. That one's going to haunt me for a long time. I hate having to say goodbye. I hate having regrets. I hate this year.