Remembering

Tonight has been an interesting night for me. My kids are off at a birthday celebration with a wonderful family...which has left me with...what's that foreign word my mind is reaching for?...oh yes...FREE TIME! Chris is out of town...and I have NOTHING requiring my attention...so it truly has been free time. I WAS a good steward with the time though and as soon as I dropped them off I headed straight to the grocery store and did two weeks of grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping...but I REALLY hate grocery shopping with 3 kids along. So I really had to go while they were otherwise occupied. But then I got home and got all the groceries put away and it was SO quiet! So...I proceeded to put on my iTunes praise music on the computer and jam a bit while I took on a project or two. One of those projects was cleaning out my spice cabinet. Now...I know that those who know me probably think that could only take all of two seconds since I don't cook. But see...because I don't cook...I never know really know what I do and don't have...so I have way too much of everything up there! Like three salt shakers...all at different levels of fullness, and two full extra boxes of salt. Same with the pepper. And food coloring! I mean...how much food coloring can a girl have?! I counted 11 bottles. ELEVEN! Then there was the double ground mustard (two of those)...oh...and the vinegar! Holy cow. I think there are 7 or 8 bottles of vinegar in there. I just bought another tonight at the grocery store (just in case!). So...my spice cabinet was just out of control. Anyway...I set to work cleaning it out and organizing it. And it was while I was sorting and organizing that I found my thoughts returning to a very frequent obsession of mine lately...death. Don't know why...but I seem to be just thinking about it all the time here. Day and night. And absolutely everything seems to make me think of it. Today...it was the music I was listening to. First was I'll Fly Away by Jars of Clay (one of my favorite songs). I just love that tune. It is upbeat and joyful and just a good one. Then the song Remember Me came on. Another that I like...but really got to thinking on today. And then I got to remembering as well. And I thought about my grandmother and all the things that I remember about her. Like her snow white hair and her grin and the way she always made the BEST homemade pimento cheese. And tea cakes. My grandmother made tea cakes that were so amazing and light and delicious. I have the recipe. NEVER ONCE have they come anywhere close to resembling my grandmother's tea cakes. Heck...the darn things have barely even been edible the past couple of attempts. So I am now going down this remembering trail and I start to wonder what MY children and grandchildren will remember most about ME. I am PRETTY sure it won't be my mouth watering cooking (though those pizzadillas WERE quite the hit the other night!) or baking skills. It WON'T be for my love of sports. It WON'T be for my talent with a sewing machine. It WON'T be for my love of ALL God's creatures great and small. They are perfectly aware that there are 3 or 4 that I have some pretty intense issues with. I could guess all day at what it WON'T be they remember me for. But what WILL it be? Will it be my obsession with exercise? Or my need to have the house clean before bedtime? Or my total intolerance of laziness? That would be a bummer, but could really be reality. Reflecting on all of this has really made me think tonight. My kids are still young. I'm not sure that what I would HOPE they remember is what they WILL remember. And I realize that if I want them to remember certain things about me, then they really need to see those things played out in my life. If I want them to remember me as a patient lady...then by golly, I have some work to do! If I want them to remember me as a prayerful lady, then I need to spend a lot more time praying WITH them and not just FOR them. There are so many ways I would HOPE to be remembered. But if I died today, I am not at all sure they would remember me the way I hang my hopes tonight. That said...I would hope the most important thing they could remember, was that behind Jesus...there is noone else in this world that loves them more than their momma does. Noone! And that no matter what...no matter how messy they are, or how slow they move, or how they try to push boundaries and buttons...I love them so much my heart could just bust. I know that I FEEL all these things...but I am not sure that my children KNOW that I feel like that. I am not sure they know how I treasure and adore them and how great a blessing in my life I consider them to be. Tonight...before they go to bed...they will know. They will know without a doubt that I think they are so special and so precious and so unique and so very dear to me. I hope I don't die tomorrow (I need some time to work on this!) ...but if I did...at least my kids would know THAT. And with the REST of my days...however many God has recorded for me, I plan to work on the things that I HOPE my children will remember about me. Life is good in the desert. Thank you Lord for the sweet whisper of the Holy Spirit who brings me back on track...once again!