Pondering

I am pondering many a thing tonight. Life changing kind of ponderings. For one...I am thinking about not being a photographer any more. That's one. I mean...I guess I will always be a photographer. In some sense. But then...anyone who has a camera and pushes the button to snap a picture, is, in a very real sense, a photographer. But I guess I am thinking that I will no longer be a "professional" photographer. For one...these darned props are overrunning my house! For another...well.... maybe it's just this time of year... I don't know. But especially now, I feel like there are NO creative juices flowing really. It's just family after family looking solely for the obligatory Christmas card photo. I feel like it's right about now that I really lose that connection with my families. With my subjects. And I cease to really create something beautiful for them. But rather just stamp out the same old, same old. Honestly, I have two "new" photo locations on my calendar for this month. They are the ONLY two appointments that really excite or interest me in the least. That...and the fact that both of these appointments are friends and long time clients (Well...as long as they CAN be when you've only been in business for two years!). So there is a connection there with both of these families. And the change of location is a plus also. Often times, after I work with a family, I can stand back and really see some "magic" there in that session...something different and awesome. But these days...the magic just seems to be missing. It all seems so cookie cutter to me. I think another factor is that my business has grown so much over this past year, that I am working with so many NEW people who are strangers to me. When I first started out, I worked mostly with my friends. But now I have more "stranger" clients than friend clients. In some ways it's wonderful. But I also find it somehow lonely and less fulfilling. Honestly, it's SO tempting to clear out ALL of my props...my backdrops, my lights, my TWO huge cabinets full of nonsense things out in the garage. To pack away my angel wings and tutus and pearls and what not and just have my house...back to normal. Back to "BEFORE". I'm sure that Chris would totally rejoice in not having my constant disaster of a studio to deal with. I talked to him about it tonight. We both agreed that it's not about the money. It's been nice to have a little bit of my very own money...but honestly...anyone who knows me knows that I am a TERRIBLE business person and have probably only made a fraction of what I should have. Bottom line is that I don't need the money. And that's a good thing because I am so terrible at collecting it! I realized today that I rarely take pictures of my own kids anymore. I just dont. And it's not because I'm busy or don't have the time. It's because somewhere along the way, taking pictures has become a job...and not just a passion and hobby. My pictures of my kids come to a screeching halt about two years ago. Oh...there are some shots here and there. But really,...my own kids are largely undocumented. And I am not sure that I am okay with that. So that's one pondering.

My other pondering is over my kids. And this one directly links back to my photography. Max is doing so poorly in school right now. WHY that is, is yet to be determined. As far as I can tell it is pure disorganization and Max's own disjointed and chaotic thinking patterns. He IS a Roberts boy after all. But here lately, I often find myself thinking that if there were less on my own plate, perhaps I could help him more. Maybe...maybe not. I don't know. But right now, today, tonight...I feel like my photography is almost too much to juggle on top of trying to get Max straightened out.

When Chris and I talked about it tonight, Chris could not deny that he too, would love to see that studio room all neat and clean and maybe NOT so much a studio. He reminded me that it wasn't about the money. Of course, I already knew that. But then he said that he really thought I had an eye and a talent for it. And that I should keep developing it. But find a way to do it in a way that didn't present so many problems for me. And if appointments and what not bother me...then cut those and just focus on the photography for the sake of the photography itself. I'm not sure that appointments bother me, mind you. But it's nice to know I have his support in shutting this venture down if that is the conclusion that I come to. I still have a lot of pondering to do on this subject for sure.

I guess that's all I'm pondering really. I've been in a purging mode. I have been cleaning out closets and end tables, drawers and cabinets for a week now. Chris said that if he didn't know better, he would worry that I was "nesting". I'm certainly NOT nesting. I'm NOT expecting. I just want to feel some semblance of control and neatness in my life. And I am purging each and every area that proves itself to be unnecessary. Nothing but the bare minimum! That's my motto. If I don't REALLY need it...then it's OUTTA HERE! Goodwill....here we come!

And THOSE are my thoughts of the day!