Guilt

So...as I battle the stupid scale and the stupid jeans and the stupid fat rolls that keep assembling on my waist....I sit here in total guilt. The whole weight thing has been an issue this week....totally on my mind. I made sure that even though I did not have time to get to the gym today, I ran 2.5 miles with Clara at high noon. That was quite a workout! But then, I took the boys out to pizza tonight to redeem their Book It certificates....and I have SUCH a weakness for pizza. I mean I LOVE pizza...passionately. So I ate pizza...and plenty of it. I should only have had 2 slices...but I had more...and now I am consumed with guilt and frustration at myself. I need to see results....SEE them in the mirror, and see them on the scale. See them in my clothes. Right now I am not seeing them. I am tired and frustrated with it all and I am just repulsed at the idea of being in a bathing suit this summer. So...there it all is...laid out for all to see. How can some people be so skinny? And why am I not one of them?

But other things happened today besides my pizza fiasco. This morning I had to stay home to sign for a package that Jackie sent to us. So I am not usually home at this time, but today I just was. And my cousin called and we talked forever and it was wonderful. And then another old friend called from Tampa and it was so nice to catch up with her as well. It was like a neat treat to be here because noone ever calls us here in Arizona...and then...the ONE morning that I am actually home...we get multiple phone calls. It was really neat and a high point in my day. But then I didn't have time to go to the gym, so I took that run instead...that is how that came about.

Then I was all sleepy this afternoon after the boys got home and all the kids were watching t.v. and thought to myself...I will just stretch out on the couch for 15 minutes and close my eyes and then get up. Well....Clara saw me laying there and came up and kissed my eyes and told me to "seep tight and don't let the monsters get on my pillow". She kept kissing me every few seconds and patting me and telling me to go to sleep. Which, of course, was impossible with her sitting there patting me and kissing on me. So, I didn't get a nap...however, it was one of the sweetest moments of my life. To be the object of all of my daughter's sincere care and love and nurturing.

Then I took the boys out to pizza...and even though I shouldn't have, I really loved each and every piece I ate. And the boys kept saying "Thank you mom for taking us out." They were really, really sweet and appreciative. And that was another special moment in my day.

So...as I sit here complaining about my fat...I find myself thankful. I am fat because I have more than enough to eat. My jeans are too tight because I am wonderfully provided for in the area of nourishment. I am thankful for 3 wonderful children. 3 gifts that I know some women will never ever get to experience, despite years of longing and praying. Chris is gone tonight and I am missing him...and I am thankful for that because it means that I have someone to love and cherish...another gift from my loving God. I am thankful for a full day of housework tomorrow because it means that I have more than enough house for me and my family and cleaning it is a privilege as I consider the fact that many are homeless and have no house to clean at all. I can honestly find very little to grumble about in my life. God has been good to me. I think that if I never receive another thing, I am okay because I have so much more now than i deserve or really need. And so I am turning in for the night...thankful for my big warm bed and the Victoria Secret jammies I will be sleeping in, thankful for heat and air conditioning, thankful for all the blessings in my life right now...for the ones that I know about and the ones that I do not. So on that note...good night!