A Dying Snake

I'm sure that headliner got your attention. But you should know it is NOT what you think. Oh...it's so far from it you won't believe it. I'm sure, as a matter of fact that you cannot even in your wildest imagination begin to picture it. I bonded with my treadmill again this morning. A little change from the routine. Something different. I even grabbed my heart rate monitor just to keep it fun. Not so much fun really. 500 calories says my monitor...900 says treadmill. Slight discrepancy there. Oh well. Today was interesting because my brain was just on overload. My iPod was cranking...but honestly, every single song I heard just pretty much was about me, my fat and my sucky heart rate! For instance..."Mickey", an oldie but goodie, was in my early lineup. Only I wasn't really hearing "oh Mickey, you're so fine...". I was hearing "Oh Tonya, you're so fat...". It was highly motivating in that I cranked that treadmill up another couple of notches. Next came "I'm Gonna Be" by the Proclaimers. I have always liked this song. And singing about walking 500 miles was appropriate because I was figuring that was exactly about what it's going to take to get this 10 pounds off! Next was "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor. Love this song. Also appropriate...singing that "I will survive" as I was starting to think that surviving this run at that pace was questionable for sure. Every time she sang about "turn around now and walk right out that door; turn around cuz you're not welcome anymore" I just imagined a big old pile of fat just grabbing it's suitcases and jiggling right on out that door. Hey...I'm a visualist! I will not crumble and die. I will survive. Next on the playlist...."Total Eclipse of the Heart", Bonnie Tyler. And as I am gazing at this heart rate monitor in total disbelief I'm thinking there BETTER be a total Eclipse of the heart. SOMEONE forgot to tell my heart that it's time to kick it into high gear. Although I find this SO hard to believe. My heart rate is so slow to jump up there and actually WORK hard! I mean, it takes a lot! About the time I think I might die...that's when my heart rate kicks in some. As for total eclipses, a total eclipse and makeover of my big behind might be pretty swell too. Next up..."You raise me up" by Josh Groban. And I'm thinking to myself...yes. Raise me up. PLEASE raise me up cuz I am about to collapse on this floor here. Only I can't, cuz my heart rate just got there! And that whole line about I am strong when I am on your shoulders....well...duh. Of course I am cuz then I'm not RUNNING like something's after me. No...if I'm on your shoulders it's all YOUR sweat baby. But I'm not a quitter and being on someone's shoulders would pretty much put me over the edge as far as personal space. By now I am tired and I drop the speed a bit on the treadmill. I"m thinking about calling it a day with the treadmill and WHAT comes on? "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by the Clash. So I pondered that one right on along to the beat of the music. I stayed. Because I knew that "if I go there will be trouble!". Then there's that great verse about not knowing which clothes even fit me...Ha Ha! I can tell you there are PLENTY of things hanging in my closet right now that SO don't fit me! After that song I had..."You Spin Me Round". Instead of "you spin me right round baby" I heard "You're looking round round baby!" Next song...Funkytown. Love that one. Got to make a move to a town that's right for me. Or a size that's right for me. That's more like it! Gotta move on now. Keep moving those feet and working that butt. By then I am getting off the treadmill and it's time for abs. Oh Yay! The moment we all know and love. On deck is Rihanna's Don't Stop The Music. I hit the floor and start my crunches and pulses and bicycles. And by the end I'm thinking "No really...PLEASE stop the music already." And I was really working hard here. Suzie says if you make sure you blow out all your air when you do your kicks and abs that I will have PHENOMENAL results. I'm all about phenomenal ya know! And it is in the middle of this very hard and serious work that Max walks up, taps me on the shoulder and says "Mom...you sound like a dying snake." Kids. You've got to love em. Hissssss.